So…the bad news. Due to a combination of factors (a massive amount of family birthday presents to make, forgetfulness, water damage and tree limbs to clean up after a 3-day Tropical Storm, a Star Trek: Next Generation marathon *sheepish grin*)…I don’t have the next portion of the DWR Quilt Along ready for you today. I will, however, have it up sometime next week *scouts honor* and we will finish the Quilt Along on time Friday the 23rd *double scouts honor* (no take-backs)
The good news is that I have a funny story for you, in the hopes that you’ll be slightly less pissed at me, lol. The event in question actually happened 2, maybe 3 weeks ago. I can’t really remember, because the date doesn’t really have anything to do with the story, plus I have so many random things on my mind at any given time (I wonder if Ray will tolerate me putting Sir Whiskers in a monocle and plaid vest for our Christmas card this year? What kind of rating did Red Riding Hood get on IMDb?…because frankly, I liked it even though it’s a little bit “teen emo”. Do I really need to eat another pack of Fun Size M&M’s?…I don’t really see what’s so “fun” about a pack of only 15 M&M’s anyway…) that I can’t be bothered with details like dates. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this story, but my husband isn’t around to censor me right now, so I’m running wild and free (which is rather a dangerous thing…because I kind of need to have a human filter most of the time, lol). Sorry – I’m rambling. It’s hard to be serious whenever I think about “the event”, haha!
So a couple weeks ago, I needed to run over to Hancock Fabrics during my lunch break to pick up a zipper for a bag I was making. I didn’t have anything else to do, and I hate sitting in the break room at work where people try to make polite small talk about the weather or the Saints (I hate small talk…especially polite small talk), so I decided to kill some time while I was in there and browse through the fabric. You know how those low shelves are that hold all the fabric bolts in Joann’s or Hancocks, right? They hold two sections of stacked bolts and come up about mid-torso, and you can kinda see the head & shoulders of people browsing in the rows around you. So I was in one row with a little old gray-haired lady in a motorized scooter, and there was a 30-something guy a few feet away in the row facing me. So I’m browsing around, texting, and generally not paying attention to anything, when the little old lady scoots around the corner into the row with the 30-year old guy. All of the sudden she starts YELLING at the top of her lungs “Oh my Gawd! Somebody call the police! Ahhh!!” and the dude takes off amid her cries of “grab that man!!!”, and scoots out the door. He then hops in his truck and zooms away before anyone gets remotely close enough to the door to write down his plate. I’m still standing in the back of the store, mid-text, thinking “WTH just happened???” Weh-hellll kids…turns out that man had his naughty bits out and was pleasuring himself into a Coke bottle while feeling up the quilting fabric…and, God bless her, that sweet old quilter caught an eye-level glimpse of it from her scooter as soon as she rounded the corner. I’m just thankful she wasn’t scarred for life, because as I was leaving and everyone was standing in the front phoning the police, I heard her laughing with one of the workers and saying “what kinda person gets their kicks from doing that in a quilting store?” I’m also really glad it wasn’t me that discovered him, because I would have had to take a ½ day at work and go home - there’s just no way you can focus on emails and insurance marketing after seeing something like that.
What did I do next? Well naturally, I decided it was best to leave the zipper behind, and proceeded to walk out and call everyone I knew, hoping it wouldn’t be one of those times when no one picked up their phone. I think my head might have exploded if I hadn’t been able to immediately share that hilariousness with someone. My hubby was the first person I called, and after about 5 minutes of me trying to spit out the story through fits of maniacal laughter, I finally gave him the whole story and he was rolling. Our convo went a little something like this:
Ray: “Well, think about where you were”
Me: “Wha???? What do you mean think about where I was? It’s a fabric store, not HBO. I was at Hancoc---….oh! OH!!! EWW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
Ray: “Yeah….guess he was taking the name a little too literally”
So there you have it kids. No place is safe from random perverts any more, not even chain quilt stores.