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September 9, 2011

Let me make it up to you with a good story...

So…the bad news. Due to a combination of factors (a massive amount of family birthday presents to make, forgetfulness, water damage and tree limbs to clean up after a 3-day Tropical Storm, a Star Trek: Next Generation marathon *sheepish grin*)…I don’t have the next portion of the DWR Quilt Along ready for you today. I will, however, have it up sometime next week *scouts honor* and we will finish the Quilt Along on time Friday the 23rd *double scouts honor* (no take-backs)

The good news is that I have a funny story for you, in the hopes that you’ll be slightly less pissed at me, lol. The event in question actually happened 2, maybe 3 weeks ago. I can’t really remember, because the date doesn’t really have anything to do with the story, plus I have so many random things on my mind at any given time (I wonder if Ray will tolerate me putting Sir Whiskers in a monocle and plaid vest for our Christmas card this year? What kind of rating did Red Riding Hood get on IMDb?…because frankly, I liked it even though it’s a little bit “teen emo”. Do I really need to eat another pack of Fun Size M&M’s?…I don’t really see what’s so “fun” about a pack of only 15 M&M’s anyway…) that I can’t be bothered with details like dates. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this story, but my husband isn’t around to censor me right now, so I’m running wild and free (which is rather a dangerous thing…because I kind of need to have a human filter most of the time, lol). Sorry – I’m rambling. It’s hard to be serious whenever I think about “the event”, haha!


So a couple weeks ago, I needed to run over to Hancock Fabrics during my lunch break to pick up a zipper for a bag I was making. I didn’t have anything else to do, and I hate sitting in the break room at work where people try to make polite small talk about the weather or the Saints (I hate small talk…especially polite small talk), so I decided to kill some time while I was in there and browse through the fabric. You know how those low shelves are that hold all the fabric bolts in Joann’s or Hancocks, right? They hold two sections of stacked bolts and come up about mid-torso, and you can kinda see the head & shoulders of people browsing in the rows around you. So I was in one row with a little old gray-haired lady in a motorized scooter, and there was a 30-something guy a few feet away in the row facing me. So I’m browsing around, texting, and generally not paying attention to anything, when the little old lady scoots around the corner into the row with the 30-year old guy. All of the sudden she starts YELLING at the top of her lungs “Oh my Gawd! Somebody call the police! Ahhh!!” and the dude takes off amid her cries of “grab that man!!!”, and scoots out the door. He then hops in his truck and zooms away before anyone gets remotely close enough to the door to write down his plate. I’m still standing in the back of the store, mid-text, thinking “WTH just happened???” Weh-hellll kids…turns out that man had his naughty bits out and was pleasuring himself into a Coke bottle while feeling up the quilting fabric…and, God bless her, that sweet old quilter caught an eye-level glimpse of it from her scooter as soon as she rounded the corner. I’m just thankful she wasn’t scarred for life, because as I was leaving and everyone was standing in the front phoning the police, I heard her laughing with one of the workers and saying “what kinda person gets their kicks from doing that in a quilting store?” I’m also really glad it wasn’t me that discovered him, because I would have had to take a ½ day at work and go home - there’s just no way you can focus on emails and insurance marketing after seeing something like that.


What did I do next? Well naturally, I decided it was best to leave the zipper behind, and proceeded to walk out and call everyone I knew, hoping it wouldn’t be one of those times when no one picked up their phone. I think my head might have exploded if I hadn’t been able to immediately share that hilariousness with someone. My hubby was the first person I called, and after about 5 minutes of me trying to spit out the story through fits of maniacal laughter, I finally gave him the whole story and he was rolling. Our convo went a little something like this:


Ray: “Well, think about where you were”


Me: “Wha???? What do you mean think about where I was? It’s a fabric store, not HBO. I was at Hancoc---….oh! OH!!! EWW! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!”


Ray: “Yeah….guess he was taking the name a little too literally”


So there you have it kids. No place is safe from random perverts any more, not even chain quilt stores.



41 comments:

  1. "discover" the "designer" in you.

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  2. *dying* I really have earthly idea how I would have reacted had I been the one to discover the man... I'm thinking Phoebe from Friends yelling "My eyes, my eyes!!"

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  3. Oh my! I am amazed that this actually happened! Couldn't that dude buy some fabric and take it home for that sort of thing???

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  4. I have *no* earthly idea :)

    but that sure beats sitting in the break room @ work :)

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  5. That is SO funny. I honestly have a hard time believing it, it is so funny.

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  6. Who cares about DWR when you us such stories? :D

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  7. LOL! too funny. You would have to laugh wouldn't you. Is it really bad that I thought at least he wasn't doing it on the fabric?!

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  8. Omg that is hilarious! No wonder you've been preoccupied lately...you're probably still making phone calls to tell everybody the story.

    Hancock's...hahahaha. That's the best line ever!

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  9. @Irisjem - I was thinking the same thing!

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  10. OMG that is nuts! I agree about the fabric comment too...now how do I buy anything there ever again?

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  11. Oh my gosh! What would have happened if that lady hadn't gone around the corner?!? I kinda wanna start pre washing my fabrics now....ewwwww!!!!

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  12. Oh lord...normally I would be like WTF but NOLA folks are crazy. I imagine he probably had a 9am daiquiris or something LOL...that's so freaking gross though!

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  13. Well, you definitely made everyone forget about the DWR post!!! What a hysterical story!!

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  14. OMG! That is the funniest thing EVER! Of course, it was only funny because it didn't happen in the Hancock's in our town!

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  15. Bwahahahaha!!! That is sooooo gross! Seriously?!?! I agree with Kritta22, that really makes me have 2nd thoughts about prewashing my fabrics now....and sticky spots on the store floors. Ew.

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  16. Now that's not a story you hear every day! Too funny.

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  17. Kaelin, I've decided we were meant to be friends :) You & your husband crack me up!

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  18. hahahaha! I can envision exactly where y'all were standing..... and I just wish I knew what kind of fabric caused this fervor. The calicos? florals? novelties?

    This. was. hilarious. Thank you for ignoring your filters and sharing!

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  19. You know what takes this post from amusing to laugh-out-loud hilarious? "No thank you, sir!" BWAH HA HA. You rock, Kaelin.

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  20. @mab - one of my coworkers immediately asked "was it silk or lace?!" i can assure you all it was regular quilting cotton, and in no way "sexy". i believe it was the novelty prints section, but i can't really remember.

    @Cherie - you never know! he could have been a tourist visiting from Hattiesburg ;)

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  21. I am freaking crying and waking my hubby up I'm laughing so hard!!!!!!!! Damn! That was a great story!

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  22. OMG I am going to think about this story everytime I see that Hancock's sign... and darn it if I wasn't planning on stopping in there tomorrow. My hubby always comments on the name whenever we drive past it... I never thought someone would take it literally. Yup and I had to go and double check where you are blogging from, making sure it wasn't anywhere near STL. Of course, like you said... he could have been a tourist. Yucko!!!

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  23. What a GREAT story!!!! Thanks for sharing it with us....ROFL!

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  24. You'll never forget that just like I have never forgotten being on a bus/coach as a student going back to visit my mum. The bus was going along on the motorway/freeway and as you are in a bus, you can look down on the cars as they pass by.
    I looked in one car and there was a lone man in. He had one hand on the steering wheel, his handkerchief laid out neatly on his lap and you can work out what the other hand was doing. Brings 'multiple-tasking' to a whole new level!

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  25. Unbelievable! Stroking the quilting fabric as well, he could at least have chosen AMH voile with its buttery softness! Cracking me up Kaelin!

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  26. lmao - that is fabric love at a WHOLE different level than all of us quilters! thank goodness you weren't the one to discover it.
    And btw - I totally think you should put your dog in a vest and monocle for christmas pictures. And no sweat about the qal - I'm still sewing my arcs - haha!

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  27. Do they make wide mouth coke bottles? I'm trying to get a visual here! I will prewash from now on!

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  28. WEIRDO!!!! What he didn't think he would get caught?!!

    I would never buy any fabric from that place again! lol!

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  29. No one can resist quilting fabric - oh my god, that was too funny! Great story!

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  30. Oh my gosh...that is too funny! Lol

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  31. Hilarious! Seriously trying not to imagine how he was managing to use the coke bottle as a receptacle, but suddenly reminded of an elderly man telling me about using a milk bottle to pee in during the night. Men!

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  32. How bazaar!! Thank you for sharing it's so funny!!
    aka Creative Mom

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  33. ROFL! Now I will think of this every time I see the name Hancock's! So funny!

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  34. I can't wait to hang out with you!

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  35. I can't even believe that story. If I'd have heard/read it anywhere else, I'd be all "yeah, urban myth baby". I am so totally grossed out!!! That scooter lady has a story for ages, that's for sure. Gawd!!!!

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  36. LOL! Did you check to see which fabrics he was fondling? Does creepy guy prefer AMH or Heather Ross? lol.

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  37. ROFLOL. What has been seen can not be unseen!! I wish my phone had been one of your calls as this is freaking hilarious!! At least he was trying to be considerate and not make a mess. BWAHAHAHA!!!

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